Our cat Heisenberg left us on boxing day, 2021.
I never had a pet growing up. I had a small dog briefly during one summer holiday -- my mom and I found him in the middle of heavy traffic, crying helplessly, on the way to my piano lessons. We named him "Double", the english version of my nick name ("εε"). I was very excited that I finally have a pet, but truth is I wasn't a very good dog person: I was always a bit too scared of his excessive energy, and Double mostly adored my mother. When the new semester started, in a very typical Chinese fashion, it was decided Double shall be sent away for the sake of my studies. We visited him afterwards once, and I still remember me awkwardly trying to tie my shoelaces while dodging him licking my face. I don't deserve him.
I first met Heisenberg when visiting my then-date now-husband Steve's apartment for the first time, in 2018. I've heard of him, saw his pictures, but didn't know what to expect, and was a bit nervous. Am I a cat person? Am I a good cat person? What if the cat does not like me?
The door opened and Heisenberg greeted us at the door. I gave him my hand to sniff, pretending I know what I was doing and I have everything in control (I did not). Heisenberg sniffed my hand calmly and decided he approves of me and let me in. That same afternoon, he would show me his belly and I would learn an important lesson about how big a trap that is.
The first picture I have of Heisenberg
We spent a lot of cozy weekends in that small apartment. We would play *a lot of* video games, binge watch Breaking Bad featuring a different Heisenberg, cuddle together in bed until Heisenberg decided he was hungry, and very often just do nothing but admiring Heisenberg. For some mysterious reasons he quickly identified me as the easier target and would relentlessly wake me up at 5am for his morning wet food. And I just...gave in, always. I did have a small personal revenge when one time I set my alarm clock to 4:30am and woke up Heisenberg and served him food. He ate with his eyes closed.
Heisenberg decided to sleep on the Wii cable while we were playing
In winter 2018, while I was cat-sitting Heisenberg as Steve was away for Christmas, Steve texted me asking whether I want to buy a house with him together. That was...bold, and I replied yes after 5 seconds of not really thinking much. And 6 months later, we moved into our current place, a lovely little house with a lovely little garden.
Heisenberg spent first few days hiding under a blanket on the top floor, but otherwise quickly adapted to the new house (he did pee in the carrier on the way to the new place but we agreed not to tell anyone that). After a few months we started letting him explore the garden. He was very careful in the beginning, taking small steps, but eventually he would fall in love with the garden, meowing loudly after his morning feed demanding to be out. He has rolled in the sunshine countless times, chased butterflies (and accidentally stepped on my vegetable plants while doing that), almost caught a hedgehog had Steve not stepped in and saved the poor hedgehog.
And he has consumed large quantity of grass, however hard we tried to stop that.
Rolling in the sun
In July this year, we lost Heisenberg for a brief 30 hours as he jumped out of the garden back door. We never knew he was capable of that -- we always thought he was a bit too lazy, a bit too overweight, to even attempt that. That was the second-longest 30 hours of my life. We both couldn't sleep at all, I cried multiple times, while Steve just had this determined look on his face that we will find Heisenberg. And he did. On the second night we went out looking again, after more than 2 hours I was really tired and decided to go home first, and Steve wanted to do one last round. I went to bathroom to cry a little, then heard a loud ban on the garden door while walking downstairs, and there was Steve and Heisenberg. It was probably at that moment that I decided to marry this man (ok we decided much earlier, but I knew I definitely made the right choice then)
He slept as if nothing happened that night
Then we did marry each other, on Halloween 2021. We played with the idea of having Heisenberg as the ring bearer but decided that's probably asking too much. We did show him our ring.
We know it won't be a happy, never-ending story. But we always thought we had much more time. He was only 9 after all, and well taken care of.
On Dec 25th, while we were waiting for our returning flight to London in Chicago, we got a message from our sitter saying Heisenberg was not well. Everything happened so quickly after that. And shortly after we landed at Heathrow, we got the call from hospital. It was on the Uber home that we tearfully agreed to put him to sleep.
Heisenberg died from complications of ATE, a heart condition that produced a blood clot, and in Heisenberg's case, blocked blood flow to his rear legs. It is a surprisingly common condition, and is mostly fatal when the blood clot happens. Neither us nor our vet knew about his heart condition previously, and the suddenness just made everything extra painful. I wish someone could have told us earlier (a heart scan would easily confirm that) and it could be managed with blood thinning medicine, but nothing will bring him back now.
In my culture we tend to believe everything happens for a reason, and I have been trying really hard to internalise how everything makes sense this way. It still doesn't. Heisenberg taught me, an only child, what unconditional love is. And in his passing, is still teaching me how to grieve and how not to take everything for granted. Perhaps he is satisfied with my progress, and now has to hurry to teach other humans?
In my culture we also believe a soul would visit its home one last time on the 7th day. That was yesterday. We put out his favorite tuna, all the Christmas gifts he didn't get a chance to play with, and opened the garden door slightly. Several hours later, I came downstairs to find the garden door wide open. It's probably wind, but I'd like to think he has visited. And "tried really hard to eat the tuna but couldn't", according to Steve.
It bothered me a bit that Heisenberg never came to my dreams. Was he still mad that we weren't home? The other day I dreamed of petting a strange creature, a combination of camel and turtle (I know). Heisenberg, whatever you choose to become in your next life, don't become that. It's pretty weird.
And if we ever cross paths again, please let us know. Because we miss you very very much. And we will forever love you.
The last picture we have of him