I started the year 2022 with an unusual new year resolution: I want to get better at piano.
I am not a beginner at piano though: I played piano for most of my childhood years, and maxed out the amateur certificates or "levels" one can get before high school. I kept playing piano as a hobby since then, and often would play showy pieces as party tricks. I was confident I had reached the peak as an amateur.
However, it always bothers me that the professionals just produce such a different, and much better sound! And I couldn't figure out why! I tried a Steinway once so I know it's not because they have better pianos. I tried "deliberately" practising a piece over and over again, at various speeds, trying all the techniques I know, still no way near that sound.
I feel there is this invisible ceiling between amateurs and professionals, and I want to break that ceiling. That's why I started taking lessons from a concert pianist in January. I made it clear from day 1 that my goal is to learn how professionals play.
As of today, I've had 35 hours of lessons. I don't practise a lot -- probably on average 90 minutes for each lesson (I hope my teacher will never read this article…) -- so that would be around 90 hours of playing piano in total this year. This is a laughable number. However, looking back, I am amazed how these 90 hours provided me with such clarity that I haven't had for a long time, probably since the time I decided I want to get into computers.
Professional piano is a different dimension
I started this journey thinking I only need to learn some "tricks", thinking for sure I know most of the techniques already, and perhaps I just need to practise a bit "harder". I was so, so wrong.
Professional piano is a different dimension. That's the best way to describe it.
I have had so many moments where I felt like I was a worm living in "Flatland", and saw a 3D cube for the first time:
- I learned from lesson 1 that the pedal is not binary, but rather a continuous distribution. Sometimes you need 1/3th of the pedal, sometimes you need 2/5th. And yes they are very different. That was mind blowing.
- I learned it's so much more than just fingers. Different techniques require a different combination of finger + wrist + arm + shoulder movement. We spent a few weeks just practising wrist movements from various heights, and I thoroughly enjoyed that. Don't fight the body. Do fight the mind sometimes though.
- I learned very often piano music is written with an orchestra in mind. And I now can tell which parts of a passage are for flute/violin/viola/cello/etc, and which ones are for soprano/tenor/baritone/etc. Piano is truly the king of all instruments.
- I learned that a piece of music is like an article, with paragraphs, each paragraph with sentences ("phrases"). And I need to analyse each phrase carefully, how to start, how to play in the middle, and how to end. Come up with a story. Imagine a world.
- I learned how to read the evolution of a composer through their works. For example, Mozart really couldn’t bother with putting down interpretation hints in the beginning (which made those early pieces so much more difficult). But his later works are much more comprehensively annotated. I knew Beethoven is a genius, but by god I did not know the extent of his genius. I don't know how a human is capable of writing such music.
There are days where my whole practice session would be just for 1 bar, for example:
This is such a deceivingly simple bar, the kind (I thought) I didn't even need to learn the notes, because I would be able to play just with sight reading, and wouldn't think twice about it.
Instead, to fully play all the annotations as written, one has to (your interpretation can obviously vary):
- left hand note 1 ->
- about ⅓ pedal down otherwise two chords together would be too heavy ->
- right hand note 1 ->
- left hand note 2 ->
- (immediately after) pedal up for the clean finish on left and the first rest sign ->
- (after sound from left is clear, but you only have a fraction of second to work with) pedal down again to not break the right hand legato ->
- right hand up ->
- pedal up for the second rest sign ->
- repeat for next word.
At the same time both hands need to "show the top", i.e. the top notes of the chords need to be played with slightly more emphasis.
Oh and remember they are "phrases". So you would start the first note with more weight, but end the second note more gently. You know, close the phrase.
Now try doing all of that with proper speed.
I get quite frustrated when practising these difficult parts. But I also get really excited. I am excited because while the sound I produce is still very far away from a professional sound, now I know why they are different, and how to get there. I have been shown a connecting path between the amateur and professional worlds. I don't plan to attempt the full path, but knowing the path is there just gives me such peace of mind.
The bigger picture
It occurred to me today as I walk home from the lesson, that I enjoy these moments of being as close to a “professional” as I can -- break down a really hard problem, figure it out piece by piece, and practice mindfully and deliberately until I nail it -- so much, yet I have structured my career and life plan not doing that.
8 years ago I decided my career would not be in banks, but rather in software engineering. I worked hard and taught myself enough to land my first programming job. I worked even harder at that job, became a team lead and (accidental) manager after 3 years, and more recently my day job is really all about how to structure organisations and how to set directions. I am doing quite well at my job, by any standard.
But I am not solving hard problems that matter. I am not growing into a concert pianist.
The piano lessons made me pause and think where I want to direct my energy next. And surprisingly it was not hard to come up with the answer. It almost feels the answer has always been there, but I have been too comfortable, and I unconsciously ignored them.
I want to create worlds and experiences. I think games as a media are underrated and can be really profound. It is the only media that offers immersive interactivity. I think AIs will replace a lot of entry level jobs including programmers, yet I do not think AIs will be able to create good games, at least not in my lifetime.
I am increasingly worried about how centralised AI development has become. Less than 5 companies today can afford to train and develop large models that you see in news headlines. And that's scary. As humanity will be deeply changed by those models, that means those 5 companies can change humanity. The hope and dream is one day it should be within reasonable reach to train using all the data there is. I am not naive enough to think I'd be able to make a dent in that space, but at least I want to understand what that would take, similar to I wanted to see what it would take to be a professional pianist.
What about money? and comfort? I don't have expensive hobbies, yet I do like flying business class :) I have grown suspicious about the current concept of money and formula of wealth creation though. I don't have clear answers yet. The plan is by working on fundamental problems, I hope I will get closer to true value creation.
I have feared death since I knew it. I can't understand the concept of infinite void. So far I managed to numb myself and control midnight panic episodes by telling myself "I'll figure it out as I get older".
I do think I am starting to figure it out slowly now. Partly because I hope I will see Heisenberg again. Also because if I have loved, have created, and have understood, I think that would be a good life.